10 Reasons Being a Dad Sucks

In honor of Father’s Day we thought we’d share with you some things that most family bloggers won’t tell you about: the gross, boring and just plain yucky parts of being a dad.

  1. Diaper Dooty – First off, changing diapers. I mean, really? You are wiping poop off some other person’s butt! It is bad enough having to wipe your own rear end and now you are stuck wiping some kid’s behind for the next year or more. Ew. Just… Shudder. Not only that but it isn’t like they sit on the toilet to poo. No they go right in their drawers, filling super absorbent diapers to collapse. I have seen baby poop halfway up a kid’s back! And they smell! A baby diaper is one of the foulest smelling things I have ever smelled and I have been in a lot of locker rooms. Then the poop comes in different colors. What do they do, eat Crayons? Then there are the ones that look like food. I swore off mustard for a long time after changing my first few diapers. But wait, it gets better! Some babies like to throw poop everywhere! Oh joy! Now I not only get to wipe poop off a rear end but off a crib, the bedroom wall, the dresser and a half a dozen other places baby managed to reach through sheer force of will. But enough about poop, what about pee? Those diapers don’t always hold you know and sometimes when you are holding your little bundle of joy you end up with a long wet streak down your shirt. And try changing a baby boy’s diaper sometime. Be prepared to dodge or get a mouthful of urine. Moving on…
  2. Potty Patrol – Maybe not. You think it would get better when they grew out of diapers, right? Wrong. Now you get to the emergency bathroom experience. There is nothing as thrilling as racing towards the back of a store trying to reach the bathroom before it is too late. Just like a Die Hard movie. Then when you do reach the Promised Land and you are a dad you get to hustle your little princess through a peep show of epic proportions trying to reach a stall that doesn’t look like someone exploded in it. Wrestle through buttons and lace and try to make a thick enough toilet paper barrier before the time runs out and you have to buy yet another pair of Little Mermaid replacement underwear. At last you get the kid on the toilet only to hear about an ounce of liquid drip into the water and your little one chirp happily that they are done. You’ve sneezed more liquid than that. But, like a good father, you put everything back together and try to wash her hands and yours without giving her a view of the line of me at the urinals. In relief you return to the toy section only to find…
  3. Birds and Bees – You may not have done as good of a job as you thought covering her eyes. While the supermarket is not the place you would have chosen for a loud discussion of male versus female body parts the little princess is not going to let this one go. After explaining what the parts are called and trying to hide your scarlet face from passing people giving you the stink eye for saying vagina and penis in front of a child you get into even more fun territory. The ‘but whys’. She won’t let this issue drop without knowing exactly why boys and girls have different parts. The birds and the bees talk that you’ve been dreading is now upon you far before you ever dreamed it would be. Thankfully she lets it go with just a vague outline of the details but you know that won’t last forever. Now it is time to head back home in the…
  4. Mom-mobile – The minivan, the SUV, whatever you call it to try to disguise the loss of your man card, a mom-mobile will not be hidden. It is big, it sucks gas like a wino out of a paper bag, and it goes from zero to sixty in about five minutes. The sport’s car you always dreamed of seems like a misty memory as you carefully snap, clip, button, and tie your child into the car seat. Of course it will take you twenty minutes to get them out of it again, but it is surely safe. Once the kid is secure you move on to the groceries and other things…
  5. Traveling Heavy – What other things, you ask? Well, as any dad knows once you have kids you can kiss traveling light goodbye. Where before you could get away with your wallet in one pocket and your cellphone in the other now you have a snack selection, two full outfit changes, a blankie, a travel pillow, stuffed animals, toys, books, juice boxes and pretty much an entire kindergarten classroom packed into one or more frilly pink patterned diaper bags. You made fun of your wife for her giant purse when you were dating, so now it is payback time. The same idea goes for leaving on time, getting somewhere on time or being spontaneous. Spontaneity requires at least three hours of preparation. Speaking of preparation…
  6. Snore Fest – Prepare to be bored. Yes, kids are boring at times. I know you hear about all the exciting moments. Their first step, their first word, their graduation from high school… but in reality all those high points are overwhelmed by the sheer drudgery that is day to day living. Sometimes you just make it through the day. Then there are special events. Plays, dance recitals, and open houses all sound interesting but think about it: would you sit through an hour of amateur theatre if it wasn’t your kid on stage? No, I think not. However if you are a good father you have to attend these things because…
  7. ADD – No, I am not talking about my inability to sit still for more than five minutes at a time. ADD stands for Attention Deficit Disorder which, I might add, all kids have. What I mean by this is that all kids want attention all the time. I mean all the time. One of my kids would not sleep for months unless she was being held. My arms were very toned after that experience. Going to their plays and so on is just another aspect of giving them the attention they demand. If you thought it was hard work giving enough attention to your wife when you were dating be prepared for a shock. However the attention thing is not all bad…
  8. Low Brow Humor – That is if you are a fan of low brown humor. Fart jokes, prat falls and big messes make kids laugh more than anything else. No witty sarcasm here, just sheer Three Stooges humor. At first this might seem fun but after the fifteenth ‘accidental’ drop or spill it is not so funny anymore. Don’t lose your temper though because…
  9. Monkey See – Monkey do. Kids are masters at imitation and you will pay for any mistakes you make in triplicate. That curse word when you stepped on a Lego will be your child’s favorite word for the next two weeks. Lose your temper? Prepare to see a miniature version of your temper tantrum played out before your eyes. Even the little annoying habits you didn’t realize you had come out in your kids. Clearing your throat, itching your butt, putting your feet up on the table all come back to bite you in the end. And if you are sarcastic then prepare for a child that can shoot one back at you. Not so funny anymore, is it? Your wife will not be pleased either, which means you could end up sleeping on the couch instead of the bed. Speaking of beds…
  10. Two’s Company – Three or more is a crowd. However kids just seem to miss this concept. Prepare to never be alone again. In the bedroom and even in the bathroom you have little to no privacy unless you bolt the doors and send them off to Grandpa’s. Nightmares, thunderstorms, and scary movies will have a pile of kids in your bed faster than you can say Michael Myers. After a while you get used to planning ‘romantic’ moments days ahead of time and keeping the door shut with one hand while you use the toilet.

 

Now don’t get me wrong. I love being a dad and there are many great things I get to experience because I have kids. However it is not all unicorns and flowers if you get my drift. Being a dad is hard work and that is why we should all be thankful for the dads in our lives this Father’s Day.

Ken Myers is a father, husband, and entrepreneur. He has combined his passion for helping families find in-home care with his experience to build a business. Learn more about him by visiting @KenneyMyers on Twitter.

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One Response to 10 Reasons Being a Dad Sucks

  1. Funny list but very true!

    I like your point that we do things only because they’re our kids. Only ours are special, and only we are the best Dad in the world! ;)

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