Tips on Dealing With a Teenager | Dads with Teens | Dad Chat Forums

Understand the teenage brain — they are not out to get you

Before puberty there’s a huge increase in the number of neurones in the brain. At puberty these are pruned back so we can become ready for the complexities of adult life and can develop good, strong neurological pathways.The brain is effectively being completely rewired, so parents need to moderate their expectations. They’re not out to get you — they’re probably not even hearing you. You can’t expect someone to behave in an adult way when he or she is in a half-baked place. And the reason they stay in bed until midday? In teenage brains the hormone melatonin doesn’t kick in until late at night, so it is still there in the morning, which is why teenagers stay up and wake up so late.

Don’t just ask them ‘how was your day?’

Studies show that teenagers who stay feeling connected to their parents do better in life. The adolescents I work with often feel “unheard”, so you have to work out a way to listen to them properly, allowing them space to understand themselves and not just waiting for your chance to respond. Don’t merely ask them “how was your day?” — join them in their world. Actively engage with them; if they are watching a TV programme, join them and express an interest in what they are watching. Ask them to teach you how to go on Facebook. Get them to suggest music that you might enjoy.

If you have something specific you want to talk about, set a time that suits both of you. Not first thing in the morning, or when they’re on the phone to a friend, or in the middle of a computer game.

Remember to speak from the point of view of “I”. For example, don’t say “You can’t go out”; instead, say “I am feeling very challenged by you wanting to go out because I am worried about your schoolwork suffering”.

If they are angry, say: “I can hear you’re really angry.” You don’t have to fix the problem, just allow them to have the experience they are having and support them with understanding and love. They have to find their own way to deal with it.

Are boys worse than girls?

I see as much conflict between parents and daughters as between parents and sons, though girls are about a year ahead in terms of development. Boys and girls definitely need the masculine energy that fathers provide at this time — the mother brings the child into the world, but the father takes him or her out into the world. It is very important for boys to have someone who can show them how to become a man — if their father isn’t in their lives, then it is important to have a trusted male who can do this. Girls become more sexually aware and may stop wanting to be “daddy’s girls”. Realising this, their fathers may become more distant, but I often hear from teenage girls who fear that their fathers have pulled away too much and miss their cuddles.

Support his or her social life It’s difficult when you don’t like your child’s choice of friends, but you have to be tolerant. If you express disapproval of a girl or boyfriend, that will merely make them twice as attractive in your child’s eyes. Just be patient (and provide lots of sex education).

Your children are looking to invest in the future, not the past — these are the people they will be going forward with.

A good thing to remember is that studies have shown that the child who is going to do better in life is the one who pushes boundaries (though not excessively) rather than the one who stays home and never does anything.

What to do if your child’s grades have dropped?

You could try saying: “I am concerned about this, what do you think?” If you don’t get through that way, look at the bigger picture. Has the family dynamic changed recently? If the family sets great store by academic success, poor results can be a way of showing anger. At any stage in life, children respond very well to one-on-one time. It might be an idea to take your child off to do something special, play a sport he or she likes, for example, and concentrate on building up your relationship again.

This is not the time to be worrying about their long-term future, so don’t worry if they don’t show an interest in it. The brain does not mature until the age of 23, and they don’t need any extra pressure. Concentrate on helping them to build up their confidence, encourage them in their interests (sport, playing an instrument) and remember that it is his or her life. Say: “This is your exam and it is going to have an effect on your life.” A parent’s job is essentially to monitor the teenager’s self-monitoring.

Don’t worry about their appearance What is appropriate for a teenager to wear is for each family to decide, but in general I would let it go (unless it is something so inappropriately sexual that you are concerned for a child’s safety). If you do have a problem, then be honest and name it. Don’t say “You look a mess”; say “I get upset when you go out looking scruffy because it makes me look bad”. Otherwise, don’t say anything. They will learn what is appropriate and what’s not.

Tips by psychotherapist Kitty Hagenbach