1. Though pregnancy is MUCH harder on the man than the woman, it is not considered wise to say this aloud, particularly to a woman, particularly to a pregnant woman, particularly to your pregnant woman.
2. From time to time you will be asked, “Am I still attractive” by the pregnant female. The safest thing to do is think back on a time when she WAS attractive, think of your unborn child and the affect divorce will have on her, and though your parents told you never to do this, LIE YOUR ASS OFF.
3. There will come a time, and most likely many, many times, when you will see this person that you love, whose mind and also body drive you crazy with love and lust, naked. Do to her state of pregnancy she will appear somewhat deformed to you, much like a boa who has just swallowed a Vietnamese Pot Bellied Pig; be aware…Don’t wince! Don’t close your eyes, don’t gasp for air and whatever you do, do not say “Oh My God..What the F@#$ is that!!! If you do, even though I maintain it is a natural reflexive action like gagging when Boys to Men songs come on the radio, you will suffer a painful and humiliating torture and possibly have to have a chat with your in-laws about why you are a bad person. Just smile and think, hard, about something/someone else.
4. No matter what you do, it will be wrong. Resign yourself to this immutable fact and you will at least be able to relax a little during this stressful time in your life.
5. If you are in the birthing room, you will notice that hospitals try to make them “homey” to add to the comfort for the woman in labor. Note this is for the woman in labor. No the man. The comfort is not for you, so asking them turn on the tv so you can watch football is unwise.
6. When she is giving birth, Never, under any circumstances, LOOK DOWN THERE.
7.You can’t predict how your life will change ….but, speaking from experience, you should probably set up a crib before the baby comes home…
Also remember that it’s probably the people who never think they’re doing anything wrong who are the worst parents.
Don’t spend money on toys, you’ll be flooded with presents, and if yours is anything like mine, real household things (spoons, pans, and in Henry’s case power tools, lump hammers and garden spades) are much more fun.