1. Though pregnancy is MUCH harder on the man than the woman, it is not considered wise to say this aloud, particularly to a woman, particularly to a pregnant woman.
2. From time to time you will be asked, “Am I still attractive” by the pregnant female. The safest thing to do is think back on a time when she WAS attractive, think of your unborn child and the affect divorce will have on her, and though your parents told you never to do this, LIE YOUR ASS OFF.
(Be careful not to add anything to the lie except “Yes, you are very attractive”. Woman in a pregnant state seem to develop a keen sense of when a male is bending the truth, so generally the less said, the better off you are.
3. Never, under any circumstances, even remotely suggest another woman is even faintly attractive while your wife is pregnant. Apparently pregnant woman have a secret society with rituals, handshakes, glances and covert communications between themselves where they are taught to “suss out” deceptions; in this vein they will try to trip you up and may even casually say something like, “Boy that Betty Smiser sure looks pretty in that dress doesn’t she?” Whatever you do, DO NOT ANSWER THIS QUESTION IN THE AFFIRMATIVE!! The punishment you receive will be horrible, long lasting and severe unless you say, “No she looks average to me. I am so lucky that someone as beautiful as yourself has condescended to love me that it is impossible for me to think any one is attractive except you.”
4. There will come a time, and most likely many, many times, when you will see this person that you love, whose mind and also body drive you crazy with love and lust, naked. Due to her state of pregnancy she will appear somewhat deformed to you, much like a boa who has just swallowed a Vietnamese Pot Bellied Pig; be aware…Don’t wince! Don’t close your eyes, don’t gasp for air and whatever you do, (take my advice from personal experience) do not say “Oh My God..What the F@#$ is that!!! If you do, even though I maintain it is a natural reflexive action like gagging when Boys to Men songs come on the radio, you will suffer a painful and humiliating torture and possibly have to have a chat with your in-laws about why you are a bad person. Just smile and think, hard, about something/someone else.